You know you’re a new mom when…

  • …visions of how clean your house will be given nap times make you down right joyous.
  • …you occasionally cry just looking at your beautiful baby.
  • …you swear you have never seen a more beautiful baby.
  • …you know the hospital’s hold music by heart.
  • …you’ve accepted that baby’s pajamas are just as cute as all of those coordinating outfits because, frankly, it’s so much easier.

You know you’re a mom when…

  • …the reality for how much more unclean your house is has been accepted.
  • …you’ve never been more aware of poop before.
  • …you can’t remember the last movie you saw in theaters, but instantly know Sesame Street is a rerun.
  • …putting on chap stick makes you feel like a knock out.
  • …a considerable amount of time goes into what your child will wear because, after all, people rarely comment how cute you’re dressed anymore.
  • …finishing all the laundry makes you feel like an Olympian.
  • …vomit or spit up immediately follows your folded laundry.
  • …you’re thankful the no makeup look is “in” because that is all you have time for.
  • …your focus has changed from designer bags to designer [name brand] diapers
  • …showering alone is a luxury.
  • …subtitles are engaged for every movie so you don’t miss anything.
  • …you are invincible to the “ick” factor. Neither fecal matter on the walls or up the back, barf in your bed nor snot smeared about grosses you out. Like a champ, you wipe it off, clean it up and maintain composure while comforting your darling–or spouse, who, for some reason, is still grossed out.
  • …you are a testament to opportunity cost. Will I be more productive by napping with baby or tackling my to-do list?
  • …you are woken by your co-sleeping child without any recollection of bringing them to your room.
  • …you wonder what you did with all of your free time before having children.
  • …you consider investing in Energizer.
  • …you cannot enjoy a night out without your phone because you’re texting your significant other, baby sitter, etc.
  • …”college” is a swear word because: 1. your baby can never leave you and 2. tuition
  • …the mittens go on first so the hat isn’t pulled off.
  • …the mitten-hat routine is successful for a week before your child learns to pull the mittens off with their teeth.

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